Fear of Incompetence

The waves crash in on me. The fear of being found out that I don't belong here, there, wherever I happen to be. The fear of being less than interesting, less than fascinating. Am I as intelligent as I think I am? The fear that I have nothing to give, nothing to contribute, paralyzes me on a regular basis.

I am not the kind, gentle, doting, caring wife, mother, friend, daughter, etc... I've learned to face that. I've come to accept that. I no longer hate myself for it. My value is in helping them to think. Helping them to be independent. Helping them to not need me.

I have nothing at all to give to anyone other than my ability to see the possibilities, make connections in people and things, and learn as much as I can about everything so I can teach them what I have learned. Competence is extremely important to me. It is my strength and it is my weakness.

It drives me and it knocks me down. Again and again... and again...